How I would raise children

If and when I raise children, I will never allow them to single flush a hefty number two.  I will try my best to stop them from looking a dog (rover) in the eye.  When driving the children to and from our destinations, I will not restrict their foul language directed toward senior citizen drivers that cause us to be late.  Also, I find it blatantly obvious that I will never allow my children to take part in the Jenny Craig System; if the brats want to shed a few pounds they can do some hill sprints.  In addition, when the children are attending church, they will not be allowed to "break wind" whenever the pastor is talking; lord knows that's a sin.  On another note, I will not allow the children to go a month without watching at least one of the Free Willy movies, (seeing that the scum bags they will most likely be, it would only be rational for me to shine a little light of motivation and beauty into their lives).  Also, whenever the children spot a bowl that contains any sort of pudding, it is my duty to stop them from violently slamming their faces into it repeatedly.  Lastly, I will try my best each and every day to help them overcome both their obstacles and fears.  However, when they have nightmares of being locked in a small, empty white room that's full of uncontrollable fire-breathing midgets, they will have to man up and deal with those dreams themselves.